I want to talk about some early childhood trauma with autism, and my stimming and where it began. I just got off the phone with my mom and she really opened up my eyes to some memories that I didn’t remember.
Early Childhood Trauma with Autism
I thought I started rocking when I was eight years old on the floor while watching TV with my parents and that’s true but I actually started rocking in a rocking horse when I was two years old.
They said, I would just sit in that thing all day long on the weekends when I wasn’t in preschool or kindergarten and I would just eat my, I had a little like side table next to the rocking horse, and I would literally eat my cereal while rocking.
My parents were building a sailboat in the backyard, this is a Newport Beach, California, and they said that I would, the horse was facing this large window, and I would rock on the rocking horse while watching my parents building the sailboat in the backyard.
That was when I was two years old and they said, my mom said that I rocked in that thing, hours at a time, so I was two years old when I started, rocking back and forth.
I nearly broke that horse because I used to rock in it so hard that the spring started to give away and I would actually lift the front from rocking it so hard.
When I was three years old, I graduated to a rocking chair, and it’s a small wooden chair that I think my dad used when he was a boy. I asked my mom if my dad was a rocker and she said no he doesn’t remember rocking but he rocked in that little chair and passed it down to me.
So I’ve been rocking ever since I was two years old, and I graduated to a rocking chair when I was three and used that until I was like six or seven and then I started rocking on the floor when I was seven or eight.
I recently stopped rocking. That’s what this channel is about. I stopped rocking 40 days ago, and I’ve been doing it for 40 years, but really, I’ve been rocking since I was two, so that would be 46 years of rocking.
So I want to talk about a couple traumatic events. I’ve been really trying to nip it in the bud, any traumatic events I may have had that my mom could remember that I didn’t that would cause so much shame and guilt.
I’ve had low self esteem my whole life and guilt and shame has riddled my whole life with drugs and alcohol and embarrassing situations growing up and I’m very hypersensitive – so any event that’s embarrassing or shameful that I could remember.
I’ve been doing a lot of hypnosis training to get to the cause of my original traumatic events and I couldn’t really think of any – except for, you know when the marching band went by and it scared me, and I was embarrassed in front of a girl that I thought was cute when I was four or five years old.
The first traumatic event that I don’t remember that my mom told me about was when I was four years old, and my dad and I were sailing. He was on top of the sailboat steering it, you know he was sailing somewhere and I was down below in the cabin.
Apparently, my dad was keeling over, because we had a sailboat and we were keeling over so far that it scared the heck out of me, and I just started bawling my eyes out and my dad could not come down and rescue me, because he was busy sailing. So, I think I was crying for half an hour or an hour but that would be super traumatic for a four year old.
Then when I was five, I was in kindergarten, half of the year in Newport Beach, California and then half of the year in Washington state when we moved up there.
But in California, apparently my mom just told me that I hated my teacher, and she wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom for some reason. I wet myself, and was embarrassed in front of the whole class.
That’s it guys. I mean that just nails it on the head, that basically gave me, you know PTSD. That’s not why I started rocking back and forth, but, I’ve had autism my whole life, Asperger’s, and I was wondering why I was so damaged, like why do I have such guilt and shame?
I know that being an alcoholic for 20 years, you know, gave me a lot of guilt and shame but I wanted to really nip it in the bud and go to the very beginnings to the root cause, and being laughed at in front of the whole class for my wetting myself is very traumatic.
My mom just told me that, and recently I did a hypnosis therapy session one hour YouTube video by Michael Sealy in the video says to go back to the most traumatic time that you’ve had, and I didn’t really know where to go, because I been using the same traumatic events over and over with this hypnosis.
But one day I decided to just visualize being in kindergarten, sitting in class and feeling awkward, and lo and behold, that’s exactly what happened and I don’t remember it.
My mom just told me that I was very embarrassed and hated the teacher, and I wet myself in the whole class and teased me basically.
What was your most traumatic event? Have you done any therapy for it? Has it helped? Leave a comment and please subscribe!
Erik C Johnson