So, it’s kind of bittersweet but my time rocking is up after 43,800 hours, and how I calculated that was I’ve been rocking every day for the last 46 years and I average three hours a day.
Even though right now I’m rocking at least 14 hours a day, literally from morning until night. I don’t have a job. I basically rock, listen to music, and do a little bit of blogging, but it’s consumed my life and I’m sick of it. I’m tired.
I’m 48 years old. I’ve been rocking since I was eight (actually two), and this channel is about stopping not only rocking as an adult, but also stopping the coping mechanisms that we have – the addictions that we have, you know, things that we’re trying to avoid – something deep inside of us.
A lot of people can’t sit still, they have to fidget, they have to tap, they have to hum. You know I played drums for over 20 years. I just could not stop tapping, you know, music is my best friend, always has been.
Alcohol was my best friend for quite a while until it almost killed me. I had a heart attack when I was 32 with that. I finally quit when I was 36 but there’s still a lot of little addictions and coping mechanisms that I have and I’m blowing those all out of the water.
But the reason why I’m really quitting autistic rocking, is because it’s been most of my life, I’m saying, three hours minimum every day up to 14 hours a day, and all of my girlfriends over the years have accepted it, my parents accept it, you know, no one’s really told me to stop.
It’s for me, because I don’t even know who I am without rocking. This is something I do from morning until night – I daydream, I look out this door here, I look at nature.
You know, I used to watch freighters go by, at my parents house growing up on the Puget Sound, listening to music, and you know I’ve watched life go by 43,000 hours. You know, that’s a substantial amount of time that I have not grounded and stopped and really paid attention to who I am, and I haven’t really even tapped into the feelings that I’ve been running from since I was eight years old, I don’t really know why I started rocking.
I was eight years old, I started rocking on the floor while watching TV with my parents. I know my dad was strict. He was kind of scary when he got angry. I don’t know, but all I know is that I had a very addictive personality from a very young age, I wanted to escape reality in any way possible.
And now it’s all time to unravel and this channel is about unraveling on camera and stopping rocking in two days January 1 2021 I’m not going to rock anymore. You know, and I’m 48 years old. I don’t even look 48 I don’t feel 48 I feel like a kid, trapped in an adult body. I don’t really feel like I’ve developed as an adult.
And there’s pros and cons to that, I’ve preserved my youth, I don’t have stress like other people do, I don’t have the wrinkles that men my age have. But on the other hand, I haven’t fully developed. You know my emotional state, I swing off the handle and I get irritated easily, I take people way too seriously, I give people all of my power. I give my power away around anyone. You know I lose my identity and others.
So I’m basically a rocking empty shell, and I have a lot of potential, and my sole purpose now is to help others stop autistic rocking, stop addictions, coping mechanisms, escapism, whatever you call it, whatever makes you want to run from yourself and we’re going to get to the very bottom of it.
I’m going to have days where I’m going to probably be freaking out, I’m going to be crying. And it’s kind of sad because I mean this is a farewell to a 40 year habit. I mean it’s literally, it’s more than a habit, I mean 14 hours a day, is a lifestyle – I don’t know anything else.
So it’s gonna be very, very scary, but I believe you and we can do this together, and that’s why I’m creating this channel, sorry the light keeps changing, You know the phones at a weird angle I wanted to show you how I rock.
I actually have a rocking sock. I don’t want to get carpal tunnel so I grabbed this and wrapped it around my wrist, and I put it between my legs. I got one leg back here, one leg here. I also rock like this, I’m on a cushion.
I have Asperger’s too, because I can literally just stare at a wall and daydream all day. I don’t need a lot of stimulus to entertain myself, I mean, I’ve always had a girlfriend, you know I can’t do this alone.
And, if I didn’t have a girlfriend I had alcohol, but I’ve always had some type of comforting escape, music, alcohol, a girlfriend. Even porn, you know, masturbating anything to escape who I am.
I don’t even know what I’m running from. It’s like an invisible enemy, and it’s probably hiding and silent, but silence is also where all of my gifts lie and I have to face the fear. I have to face the unknown, you know, in a day and a half. New Year’s Day, I’m not going to be rocking anymore and I’m going to document it with this video with this channel.
I’ve done videos about this before on other channels and I got a lot of feedback from you guys. There’s a lot of you out there that are autistic rocking like I am right now.
Do you do it to calm yourself to comfort yourself? And that’s why I do it’s a soothing, it’s a soothing feeling to move back and forth and it’s a soothing feeling.
When I sit still, I feel like I’m at a stoplight, I feel like my life has stopped. I don’t feel good about it, I feel tension. I feel irritable, you know, I’m like, What am I going to do? I’m sitting still and it’s very scary.
You know, it’s a very scary thought – we’re talking 43,000 hours or more, possibly 60,000 hours that I’ve done this. Even my knuckles have pads, you know these are big calluses from rocking. I have. I have one right there. You can’t really see it but you can really, you can see it right there. See those pads.
That’s literally from rocking, I have created these pads. My friends used to make fun of me. They said I had pads on my hands. That’s how much I rocked.
So I’m tired of watching my life slip by. I know I have a lot to give, and as a narcissistic guy with Asperger’s, I feel like I’ve been very self centered. I have a lot of anxiety around people, social phobia, because I don’t know how to interact with people.
I even had a panic attack at the dinner at my parents dinner table 10 years ago, and now I’m scared of dinner tables. I’m just not good with intimacy, because I haven’t really looked into me.
So leave a comment if you can relate. It might take a while for this channel to be noticed. But I know that there’s a lot of you out there that do this, you might have some other type of stimming that you do. And yeah, I might be rambling a little bit but this is kind of bittersweet because I’m sitting here, you know it’s after Christmas, New Year’s resolution is to stop this big 40 year addiction.
Really, this habit is in every aspect of my life, I mean I have years and years of memories of just rocking on my bed, listening to music. You know I can recall different music albums for different years, for different memories for different girlfriends.
The music is the backdrop to the rocking along with all the others. All the other addictions that have come over the years, cigarettes, coffee, sugar, porn. Heavy Metal, nu metal, rap, classical, jazz trance, dubstep, you name it, I’ve gone through all the music. I’ve gone through all the emotions I’ve had, great days I’ve had bad days, all with rocking.
I’ve rocked all night before, I’ve rocked from morning until night. I’ve explored a lot of my thoughts, and now it’s time to document it, and give back.
So, being a narcissistic guy with Asperger’s ex alcoholic, I want to give now because narcissistic self centered people tend to be self centered because they’re in fight or flight, they’re scared. I’m still in fight or flight from, you know, my dad’s temper.
You know there is still a very scared eight year old boy inside of me, we never get rid of all our different ages, they stay compiled in us, your eight year old is still with you, your 10 year old is still with you, your 12 year old is still with you, your 14 year old is still with you. They’re all part of you.
And I have an eight year old boy who is still scared. So I’m probably going to do a lot of meditation. I’ll be sharing things that work for me, along this journey. I’ll be going for walks, I’ll be meditating, I’ll be eating vegetarian. I’ll be staying away from sugar. I’ll be limiting my coffee, and I’m going to journal, I’ll probably start writing an ebook.
But, I’m scared, man, I have no idea who Erik is outside of rocking 46 years, and what perfect timing, the world is just so crazy right now. I mean people are offing themselves, left and right, drug overdoses and rocking is a coping mechanism that I use for stress, and I’m not going to have that in two days.
But I’m also very excited about all the potential that can happen from this. So, I’m just really kind of sad right now. It doesn’t even feel real, that I’m gonna stop rocking.
And God kind told me that this is my mission in life. This is going to be it. I told my mom 10 years ago I said I was gonna do something great with my life. And what better time than to hit the 40 year mark with autistic rocking and just stop.
And not only stop that, but stop the music stuff, the fidgeting stuff, the pacing stuff , the masturbating, the Hard Rock – anything to escape myself, it’s going to stop in two days. And what is going to come out of it, it’s all going to be shown to you guys on camera. We’re going to do this together. I’m going to do a video every single day. And I want you to subscribe and stay with me. This is going to be very scary, very intense.
Because I have to fill 14 hours per day that I used to rock with something else. I have kind of a loose schedule of what I want to do. You know what is between walking and working out meditation journaling. My fiance and I are going to do yoga and some breath work. We’re going to elevate, we’re going to ascend we’re going to raise our vibration.
We’re going to get out of this matrix. I’m going to do a lot of videos about escaping the matrix and the matrix is in our mind, of course it’s all around us but the main matrix is the program that plays in your head, every single day. The negative thoughts. The toxic habits. You know the routines. The things that aren’t good for you, the programming. We’re gonna break free from all of that.
And I’m going to go into monk mode. I’m going to talk about monk mode a lot based on a guy that I used to watch on YouTube. I don’t know what happened to him, his channel disappeared, but he used to talk about monk mode. In fact, I have this one of my favorite documentaries. It’s called Into Great Silence. It’s about monks in a monastery in the French Alps inside the Carthusian monastery. And these guys are beautiful. And I’ve always admired it.
There’s two things I like as a person with Asperger’s. It’s a camaraderie of guys because I don’t have any friends. Since I got sober 10 years ago all my guy friends left, they weren’t really friends – just drinking friends, but I miss camaraderie, and I miss routine.
So I like prison movies, one of my other favorite movies is Shawshank Redemption, because I like routine, and I like camaraderie between men, I’m not saying I’m gay, I’m saying that I missed that friendship with guys, you know, because I’m basically sitting here alone just rocking. I mean, my fiance is here. We have a good time together, we watch movies and stuff but I’m even isolating from her. So it’s something I have to just have to stop this.
So anyways, kind of rambling because I’m scared. I know that these days are close to being over, you know, these days are close to being over, I’m not going to be rocking anymore. And I love you guys, I miss you I miss you, because I’ve been rocking most of my life. I haven’t stopped to really enjoy friendships.
I haven’t really hung out in groups, I’m scared of more than one person at a time. I don’t like groups, I miss you know I’m sure I’ve missed out on a lot. But now, I’m not trying to rationalize it but a lot of people are isolated and I can handle it pretty well.
A lot of extroverts out there can’t be with their friends right now, because of all this craziness. And that’s one, that’s one place that I got licked is, I can be alone, because I’ve been rocking.
But that’s going away in two days. So, anyways, I’ve talked long enough. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Tomorrow is the 31st of December of 2020. So the last day I’m gonna rock. And I’m holding myself accountable accountable, doing these videos.
Erik C Johnson