I want to talk about my update, no rocking back and forth. I haven’t done it for 80 days now, almost three months. So I’m going to talk about the good and the bad and the ugly with it, and if it’s worth it to stop rocking back and forth, or any other type of stimming activities that you do.
Stimming basically means self stimulation. So it’s something that you do to soothe. So here’s what has happened to me. So the good news, let’s start with the good news. The good news is, I have stopped rocking back and forth.
Now that was something I did from morning until night, at least 14 hours a day. And I’d been doing that for the last six years since I worked from home. Before that it was probably six hours a day – and when I worked a lot, it was probably only two hours a day.
But I’ve been rocking back and forth since I was two years old. It’s all I know, it’s all I knew. along with all the other coping mechanisms and addictions that I had to try to protect myself, a highly sensitive person with Asperger’s.
You know, I felt like the whole world attacked me; everyone from my parents, to my friends to teachers. Not good, not good for self worth and self esteem.
No Rocking Back and Forth
I’m almost 50 now and I want to change my life and I want to do something more than just rock back and forth from morning until night. I was physically losing my legs, I was getting so weak, I couldn’t walk, and didn’t want to do anything else. I just wanted to rock – and that’s just no life to have. So that’s why I stopped.
But I want to talk about the bad too – what I’m doing instead of rocking. So it’s really hard to just stop something that you’ve been doing for most of your life – and, you know, I’m not drinking, I’m not smoking cigarettes, I’m not doing sugar.
But I find myself trying to go to places where I can still kind of stim and self soothe. Like, for instance, Misha’s sister, we’re staying with her, and they have a rocking recliner out in their living room – and I’m not used to watching TV. You know, we didn’t have a TV, anywhere else we lived but we have a TV here. Plus, there’s a rocking chair.
So I’m finding myself going out there before they wake up and drinking my coffee while rocking in this recliner while watching TV. So I’m getting this huge dopamine rush, because I’m not only drinking caffeine, but I’m rocking back and forth in a recliner, and I’m watching TV.
So all these things are fun, they give you stimulation, but they’re not productive. They’re not healthy. And I’m catching myself. I know I’m doing it.
The good news, like I said, I reduced my rocking back and forth 14 hours. I may rock on this chair, the first hour or two in the morning, and then I’m done. But then at night, I look forward to getting in bed because what I do when I lay in bed is I twitch my feet back and forth. You know just kind of wiggle them. That gives me a sensation of stimming itself.
I just like movement. I like moving and I can never sit still. Growing up, I hated it. I hated school. I didn’t like sitting still. I just wanted to play. I wanted to ride my bike. And when I got older, I just wanted to play drums. I was always moving. I always loved things that made me move. I loved racquetball. I love tennis. I love excitement. I’m a dopamine junkie.
So it’s really hard for me to sit still. So I’m on this walk because it’s soothing. And it’s healthy and out in the air and strengthening my legs. Because, you know, we’ve been here almost two months, and I’ve been sitting around a lot in that rocking chair eating junk.
So the bottom line is, you know, you will eventually get all of your stuff together, all of your addictions, so you can work on each addiction, work on it, reduce it, and eventually, you’re going to want to not do these addictions. Once you once you’re healthy for a little while, and you relapse and you go back to sugar or whatever your addiction is, you’re gonna really miss the healthy you, the sobriety you, you’re gonna miss that and you’re gonna want to go back to it more and more as you try to improve yourself.
I’ve quit some serious addictions, but I had a lot of relapses. And you have to go easy on yourself. Just try to improve a little every day. When I stopped cigarettes, I was like, you know, what am I gonna do? This was my life, I looked forward to cigarettes, but I switched to candy bars for a little while. And that got me off of cigarettes.
I quit alcohol. And I was a total drunk, I got drunk twice a day. I just stopped. But I relapsed hundreds of times before that with alcohol. It was a major addiction. And then I quit porn. But I still have little relapses, you know, with the fapping and stuff, we’re not perfect, but we can at least try and improve a little bit each day. And after a while, you’re just gonna feel sick of being in your addiction, this kind of makes you feel gross, it’s gonna make you feel unhealthy.
You’re going to get to a point where you’re going to crave being healthy instead. And yes, it’s hard to be healthy. But the long term rewards far outweigh any of your addictions. It’s hard to get on the yoga mat. It’s hard to sit still and meditate. It’s hard to eat healthy.
But looking back, those were the best times of my life, it’s just hard to start them. If that makes any sense. It’s easy to eat candy bars, smoke a cigarette and watch TV and drink a pop. And it gives you this instant gratification. But it’s a lie. And it only lasts 10 minutes. Then it makes you feel worse in the long run.
Yoga and meditation and jogging, and eating healthy, they’re hard to start. But looking back, you’re like wow, that felt really good. But it’s hard to get on the yoga mat. It’s hard to sit still and close your eyes, and meditate. But those things are long lasting and they fill you up completely.
Eventually you’re going to really look at yourself and go wow, I do feel better. I move better. I can stretch. I can touch my toes. I don’t have problems walking. I don’t have to go to the doctors. Because of Misha’s family, they eat really bad. They eat whatever they want. They eat steak, they eat pasta, you know, and they’re in their 50s and they can barely walk, they’re groaning , they’re already starting to go to the doctors. I don’t want to live in the doctor’s office.
I want to be Zen’d out and be able to stretch and do crazy poses and be able to jog down the street without breathing hard and not have to go to the doctor, do everything natural, natural supplements and have an amazing life.
And yeah, it takes discipline. It’s easy to kill yourself, but it’s a slow tortureous death. And it’s hard to be healthy, but you’re going to live a lot longer. Things will be easy when you’re healthy. Walking will be easy, doing chores will be easy, taking a shower and going to the bathroom will be easy.
Do you know there’s people that have a hard time going to the bathroom, they can’t wipe themselves because they’re so overweight. or walking up a few stairs to a house is a chore.
So I’ll leave with this, this is my favorite quote. “Do what’s easy, and life will be hard. Do what’s hard, and life will be easy.”
And that’s the total truth. That’s the total truth. If you do a little bit each day to be healthy, and maintain health, and workout, and meditate, clear your mind, turn off the TV, you will start to feel happier and happier and happier. And you’ll be proud of yourself and you’ll boost your self esteem, your self worth, everything will get in line, you can start paying down your debt, you can make amends with people you hurt, and you’ll be right with God.
That’s what this is all about. It’s getting right with God, because at the end of your life, you’re gonna have to find out what’s on the other side of this world. It’s not, you know, these people that are like, the whole YOLO movement, you only live once – It’s a bunch of crap. That’s just self destruction. I did that in my 20s and I wound up in jail, I hurt a lot of people and I was just a mess. And now I’m still paying for it today, 20 years later, I’m still paying for what I did in my 20s.
And I just want to be right with God. It’s the simple things, it really is just hanging out with family and listening to people and forgiving people. All those godly characteristics are worth it. Because in the end, you’re going to have to face what you did, whether it’s judgment day or an afterlife or you know, if you believe you just go into the ground, that’s fine, but I believe in a higher power. And I’m gonna have to answer for how he lived this life.
This whole life is a test. It really is. You’re here to gain wisdom and to learn how to love not only your neighbor but yourself. And, and God is number one, family second, business third, that’s what they taught in Amway. Not that I was in Amway. Anyways, love you guys. Thanks for watching. Hit that subscribe button and we’ll talk to you soon.
Here’s more Resources for Autism and Addiction
Erik C Johnson