Today, I’m going to talk about Meth: the summer that I lost my soul.
So, I had just gotten back from Job Corps. I was doing a merchant marine training program working on tugboats on the Columbia River outside of Astoria, Oregon, and I quit Job Corps because I didn’t want to be a grease monkey. I didn’t want to work on engines, and I really didn’t care about being stuck on a tugboat for six months at a time out in the middle of nowhere, on the oceans.
I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be a writer. So when I came back to the small town in Washington State, I was sober and I felt good. My body was back. I had just been in a very kind of militant style training facility for nine months and I got my mind and my body back.
But, before that I was living with a woman twice my age, she was supposedly my girlfriend, but she turned out more like a surrogate mother because I was a lost angry young man. However, one thing she taught me was about art and literature and poetry – and that’s why I was with her for four years.
But things got really ugly, I was blacking out every night drinking red wine, and I got a little too angry around her and she didn’t like it and then I left for Job Corps.
When I came back, we weren’t together anymore and I moved into a 15 foot trailer on my parents business property. I didn’t have any credit cards. I didn’t have to pay rent. All I had to do was find food. I started to write again on an old 1800’s manual typewriter because I wanted to be like the next Jack Kerouac and write “On the Road”.
A couple months living there, I discovered my next door neighbors. One of them walked by on a trail, and he looked kind of peculiar. He wore sunglasses, even on cloudy days and his hair was frizzy, and he wore flannel, a typical Northwest grunge type look.
So, as a writer I was like this guy – looks pretty interesting. I’m kind of lonely. I’m not with that girl anymore. I need to make friends. So I introduced myself, and he had two Australian Shepherd dogs that were really cool. One had one blue eye and one brown eye.
Shawn looked away when I spoke to him. That time I was pretty confident, even though I had Asperger’s growing up and I was shy and introverted. He was the one that looked away from me. He was about 10 years older.
We got to become friends, and he invited me over to his place. So I got up the courage and went over there a week later, and discovered that he lived in a kind of a crater in the earth and there were all these broken down trailers in the crater. He called it the hole.
So I got into the hole and hung out with him and then I was introduced to his buddies, his roommates basically. They lived in their own trailers. One guy was named weasel. He was a deaf hobo from the Haight Ashbury, and he spoke really loud because he couldn’t hear himself.
The other guy was called Animal, because he had stringy greasy hair and he grunted, he was like the animal from the Muppet Show. I was like, these guys are great, I am going to write about them. This is going to be my One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I can’t wait!
So I’d go over there with a tape recorder tucked under my coat. But they knew something was up because I kept looking down at my coat and I was acting weird. They could tell I was acting. I was trying to act crazy like they were and they just didn’t buy it.
I dropped the act, and I dropped the tape recorder, and I just started going over there as myself and then eventually the yearning to start drinking and being more crazy set in. The 10 months of sobriety fell away, because I started to drink with them – and slowly but surely I started to outdrink them and I was starting to be a little more crazy than they were. It was a wild ride.
I used to drive them around in my car blaring limp bizkit and korn, because that’s what I listened to at the time, I just wrote about it recently, how nu metal helped my Asperger’s. You can check that out. But, that was a lot of fun.
Then one night, I was pretty wasted and I didn’t know if I was gonna make it or not, you know, I basically was lost in the hole. I couldn’t find my way home. It was dark and I was wasted and I was getting tangled up in the blackberry bushes. Then all of a sudden Shawn, the guy that I met introduced me to some meth. So I smoked it, and I instantly became awake.
I was fully awake and instantly got pulled out of a blackout, totally drunk to a completely sharp mind, euphoric bliss. The night is young, let’s go party and I got in my car and went downtown and went and bar hopped without those guys, it was just me and I found some other friends and had a crazy night.
The second time Shawn introduced me to meth, I smoked it in my place. By this time, I was living in a converted school bus so I upgraded from a 15 foot trailer to a 40 foot converted school bus. And he came over and we smoked it on some tin foil, then he left.
I had about two hours of paranoia, but all of a sudden all my childhood perversions came up, and you’ve probably heard stories that little boys and little girls want to discover their body parts, and they play with themselves. Well, this was times 1000, and all my little perversions of childhood came up into one crazy orgy with myself and I stayed up all night playing with myself until I was chafing, I was red and sore.
Something happened though, there was a certain transformation with not only my body but my spirit, and there was an actual smell in the room that I created by playing with myself that I’d never smelled before. Just the smell of meth is like, to me, it smells like burning sweet roses – bittersweet burning roses, is how it smells and it smells like chemicals. And when you blow out the smoke it’s pure white and very thick. I think that I was sweating out the chemicals during this night, this one person orgy, and the whole bus smelled different.
And what I was doing, looking back, I felt like I was conjuring demons. It’s definitely a spiritual drug. Now it does other physical things like you can have incredible stamina, you can feel extremely horny and other things that happen.
There’s two types of people on meth: there’s the people that get extremely horny and then there’s the people that take apart electronics, and they play with gadgets and they take a car apart. You can see their car parts strewn all over their yards, they’re very easy to spot.
But then there’s the people that are perverted, and I fell in that class, but what I did was I felt like I had tapped into a dark underworld that I had never, ever experienced in my life with alcohol, even in my darkest days with alcohol I’d never experienced this type of perverted wicked underworld. Of course it was very tantalizing.
In fact, meth is very, very addictive. The survival rate or the recovery rate is next to nil. We’re talking a 10% chance of fully recovering from a meth addiction. Luckily I lived in a small town and I couldn’t get my hands on it because I already had an addictive personality. I played with myself, I watched porn, I smoked cigarettes, I drank coffee, I drank half a rack of beer every day and listened to hard rock really loud, to get that dopamine.
I was addicted to everything.
So meth was the pinnacle of all those addictions, but it was a very dark spiritual warfare. And after that night, I don’t think I was ever the same. It altered me. Luckily I only did it maybe four other times besides that time. I couldn’t get my hands on it, and then I lost contact with those next door neighbors.
Even Shawn was crazy when he was on it, he would go on bike rides at 4am with his dark fantasies and he called it the “witching hour”. So there was this weird kind of underworld that we both kind of recognized when we were on it. Then I realized that there were probably 1000s of meth addicts in the world that we’re up at 4am, thinking really dark wicked thoughts or taking apart their radios and their TVs, and it just really seems creepy.
I felt like a demon, you know, at one point, The smell was different in my bus. I felt different. And I was dirty. I felt really dirty from the chemicals, even though they were exciting. It was the most beautiful lie that Satan could ever whistle at me. And I fell for it and I wanted more and luckily I couldn’t get any more.
But something happened that tainted my spirit, it tainted my soul. And so now, looking back, 20 years ago, is when I smoked it, looking back at that time, I wrote this in the nu metal article that when I listened to Korn or limp bizkit now I tear up. I tear up because those were wonderful times. I felt alive, I felt my youth, but afterwards, it was just a dark downward spiral.
Even though I didn’t smoke it again, I was drunk. I was getting drunk twice a day. I had a heart attack when I was 32. I could barely hold on to a job and my body was failing me. But looking back at the nu metal era, and being 25, there was a beautiful time there and those guys were a lot of fun, the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and they were a lot of fun and I partied with them a lot with alcohol and a couple times with meth.
But I’d always go home and be alone all night, doing things to myself, and I couldn’t feel pain, there were times when I’d go out into the snow naked, and I couldn’t even feel the snow on my skin.
So it’s very wicked stuff. They used it in world war two, the Nazis actually created meth, from what I understood because it was the ultimate fighting machine supplement, they would give it to their soldiers and they would fight all night and they couldn’t feel pain. And it’s something I’ve never ever felt before but it was very dark and wicked. It was like the drug was completely connected directly to hell to the source of Satan. And so when I smoked it I felt like I was literally dancing with the devil.
So if you want to get off of meth, my only advice to you is, it’s not really a physical drug it’s a spiritual drug so you are literally going to have to find God, you’re going to have to find Jesus and you’re going to have to repent and ask God to help you in your battle against this wicked drug because it’s definitely not just a physical drug.
It is probably the most spiritual drug I’ve ever done. And it’s the greatest weapon that Satan has ever created. It’s getting purer and cheaper to get all the time. It’s not even made really in America anymore. It’s brought up by Mexican cartels and you can get it super cheap and it seems like everyone’s on it, and the mainstream is not covering it at all because that’s not part of their agenda right now.
But a lot of people are on it. In fact I talked to a guy here in Texas, about getting a job. I wanted to get a little side hustle just to get out of the house and get my legs back under me and build some muscle and get a little extra cash. And he was like yeah I’ll hire you if you’re not on meth. I mean he was like, I can’t find anyone that is sober down here, and this is Texas. It’s bad everywhere.
So guys, it’s a spiritual battle. I suggest that you get baptized and blow that crap out with God because it’s a spiritual battle, more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. And when I listen to nu metal, it reminds me of those wonderful days, but it’s all an illusion.
The party doesn’t last forever, no matter what addiction you’re into it will take you down, the more addictive you are, the more it will take you down, I almost died. I’m here to say that I’ve been sober for 13 years, and you can do it, but I don’t know if I could have made it if I found a drug dealer that did meth. I don’t know if I could have pulled out. People that do meth consistently are dead in the eyes, you can see it, and it’s a very hard drug to quit.
So I pray for you guys. I hope that the Holy Spirit can come into your life and renew your body, renew your spirit back to its original beautiful light being, love being self. I pray for you. God bless you. Hang in there, leave a comment if you’re battling any addictions or if you have Asperger’s or autism. I’d love to hear from you. I will talk to you soon.
Erik C Johnson
Brian’s Meth Song: