Hey guys, Day 44 of no rocking back and forth as a rocker for 40 years rocking back and forth, Indian style on the floor, listening to music and watching TV – 40 years, if not more. Here’s my Autism Rocking Back and Forth Update.
In fact, my mom told me the other day that I started rocking on a horse when I was two years old – one of those little rocking horses with springs. Then I graduated to a little rocking chair when I was three. Then I started rocking on the floor when I was five or six or I say eight, but who knows.
Anyways, day 44 and kind of crawling out of my skin. I’m looking for ways to stim – really sneaky stuff, I mean I’ve been rocking back and forth 14 hours a day for the last 10 years you know 14 hours a day from morning until night. Now, day 44. I’m twitching my feet. When I go to bed, I look forward to twitching my feet in the bed.
I’m tapping more. Also, music is coming into my brain so I’ll be like, working online or something and I’ll just start humming, you know, 80’s songs. I really want to escape. I feel like there’s nowhere to run, and I’m here at Misha’s family’s house in Texas. We moved here from North Carolina, just two weeks ago, and I’m really trying to find my place here.
So this is my second video today. I’m vlogging a lot more. I’m watching videos. People that have Asperger’s don’t really like watching fiction. You know, so I don’t really find enjoyment in watching their TV programs out there. I’m kind of back here just doing my own thing on my laptop and thought I would do this report.
The other thing I’m doing is I’m craving more junk food, you know, in North Carolina we lived in the middle of nowhere, so I could control what I ate. Down here, their food looks really good, like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and nachos, and venison steak. You name it, it’s down here and it’s surrounding us, so I don’t know how I’m gonna lose weight.
Autism Rocking Back and Forth Update
My whole thing right now is to get light, physically, financially and spiritually. I want to feel blissed out, I want to feel like I’m in my 20s again, I don’t want to feel like I’m 48 with a big beer belly and aches and pains all over the place and I don’t want to feel anxious.
So right now more than ever I want to be financially free, physically light and spiritually blissed out. So, if I want to do those things I have to just stop playing around eating their food, go get some real fruits and vegetables. I’m going to buy a juicer in two weeks and start really dialing in my diet again, because I mean it’s fun for a little while eating junk but then you got to get back into it, you know, start hustling and grinding if you want a better life. I don’t want to be like everyone else and just die watching TV.
Okay, I want to do something with my life. I’ve been rocking for 40 years. I want to leave. I want to leave a legacy. I want to at least help one or two people stop rocking because I spent 40 years rocking back and forth, just daydreaming, staring at a wall, listening to music, not really doing anything with my life.
The other thing is, I’m just looking for another stimulus, I want to just entertain myself. I need that dopamine. I need dopamine. I’m not getting it from my inbox. I used to get 10 to 20 emails a day. Now I’m getting one and it’s spam. So I’m not getting any dopamine there. You know, I want to go for a drive, I want to go into town, I want to go to Starbucks, I want to go for a country drive and see new territory, see new land, see new houses and cows and stuff.
I guess I’m just restless right now. But it could be the calm before the storm. The storm could be, you know, total makeover. You know, before Erik 2.0. But right now, I just want the easy way out. I want the path of least resistance and that to me is sugar, it’s caffeine, it’s humming, it’s listening to songs. It’s watching stupid stuff on TV, but I know that this is going to be a battle, it’s going to be hard.
You know, if I wanted to relax I could use Kava – kind of tickles those receptors that alcohol once tickled. Same with GABA. GABA is really good. It’s powerful you can get it in crystalline form. Don’t drink too much of it because it’s like a niacin rush. But there’s many ways to tame this beast. But I feel like I have a lot of unused energy, and I’d love to go for a jog right now but there’s a cold front coming in, it’s super cold out right now. It’s gonna be here for the next week.
So I’m kind of just sitting here restless – and that’s my update. Hang in there guys – there’s going to be hard days. If it wasn’t hard, then you wouldn’t be making any progress. Okay, it’s going to be hard sometimes, but then it’s worth the five to 10 minutes of bliss once in a while, where you can look and go wow I really am on the right track, I’m changing, look back and give yourself a pat that you have quit addictions or you’re trying to do better every single day, and it adds up the compound effect 1% a day, and you will be a totally different person after one year.
So you got to remember that you’re doing this for a reason. It’s not just torture. So, I’m tapping, I’m whistling, I hear songs in my head from the 80s and 90s because I’m getting down to the core issues of my childhood, the trauma that made me start stimming and rocking in the first place.
I’m peeling away those layers of the onion and getting down to the good stuff, and I can alter it and change it. I can do Shadow Work and child work. Do hypnosis and change those past events. So then your adulthood can alter as well. It’s kind of like time travel, you can seriously go back to the past and alter some memories and your adult self will start changing for the better, I promise you. Thanks for watching guys, we’ll talk to you soon and leave a comment if you’re autism rocking back and forth if you want to stop whatever is going on with you, I’d like to know, we’ll talk to you soon.
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Erik C Johnson