I have asperger’s and have been rocking, and this is something that I’ve been doing for the last 40 years. I mean really consuming, every day I’m rocking four to 14 hours a day. And I’ve been doing this since I was eight years old. Here’s Asperger’s Childhood Nostalgia.
So, I stopped rocking January 1st 2021, because you know I’m almost 50 years old, I really wanted to do something with my life and I want to explore what’s inside of me that I’ve never tapped into because I’ve constantly been running with addictions and drugs and alcohol and stimming and rocking back and forth.
I really wanted to just stop all my addictions and see what kind of a man I would become. And so this is day 16 of no rocking, no masturbating no porn, no music. No sugar, and I’ve been doing really well but my dreams have gotten crazier – childhood dreams are coming up. Sex dreams are coming up.
You know I’m just sometimes crawling out of my skin, because I’m looking for a dopamine. I’m looking for a dopamine fix. I’m looking for an escape to not feel my emotions that are emerging.
You know I’ve been pushing down my emotions and feelings since I was eight years old, I started rocking back and forth on the floor, watching the Muppet Show with my parents. When I was eight years old I did that because I believed that it was a stressful environment. My dad was strict, and I didn’t like living in that house. and so I started rocking back and forth.
It made me feel good. It made me feel free, I could Daydream, and no one could bother me because I was moving back and forth. And so right now, I’m now getting into the point where it’s getting sweet. And what I mean by that is, My fiance and I have been meditating at least an hour and a half a day.
And so I’m sitting still, and the meditation has really helped with my fidgeting and my twitching my feet and last time I quit rocking for a month, around week two, I was freaking out I was like, let’s just stop. I want to rock. Let’s go get some donuts, you know screw all of this.
This time it’s a lot easier because I’m more serious. I set an intention that I have to stop. I’m at the 40 year mark with autistic rocking and I’m like this is a perfect time to stop for good, because then I can help others with the same thing. I can help people with addictions I can help people with stimming, but I have to do it first.
I want to create a movement. And I know there’s a lot of people out there that rock back and forth, I’m not the only one. I know that because I did a couple videos before on my other channel, and I got over 100 comments from people that were like oh no no way I thought I was the only one that rocked back and forth. And this is great. I’m glad I found you.
So I want to start a movement in a community of all of us who rock, you know, back and forth or other stimming. It doesn’t just have to be rocking. And I want to just motivate and inspire and tell you guys what’s going on in my life. I try to do a video every day. And this is day 16, and I do realize that with meditation, I’m tapping into old childhood feelings and emotions.
I feel safe, I feel giddy. I feel like I’m in a loving environment. It’s kind of like nostalgia, you know, when you think back to some of your good childhood memories, and you’re like wow, I felt really warm and fuzzy back then. Well, I felt like that last night I was talking to Misha on the bed, and we were actually having an eye to eye contact, which is pretty rare because I’m usually rocking and she’s usually watching movies, and we quit movies and I quit rocking and we’re now having eye contact and communications that lasts over a half an hour, which is really exciting in itself.
I was like I’m looking forward to meditation now, and I’m looking forward to shrine time where I go upstairs into a small little room and I have a cross and couple Jesus candles, and I just pray to Jesus. And so, I told her I was like I’m looking forward to shrine time. This is the first time ever that I’m looking forward to meditation and praying to Jesus, which is huge.
Asperger’s Childhood Nostalgia
And I feel nostalgic. I feel like the inner child is coming back. Because when I started rocking and then got into drugs and alcohol and music and all the other little addictions, I think I suppressed that child. So when I was eight, I started suppressing that child. Then when I was 14, I got in trouble with the law. And that made my childhood stop, pretty much there, because I was grounded. You know my dad was like you’re grounded until you’re 18, and it ruined our family basically what I did when I was 14.
I basically broke into my neighbor’s house and stupid kid stuff. But before that, you know, my family was like Leave it to Beaver, we were, you know, it was a small town, it was a very safe small town, very beautiful Victorian town, seaport town, because my dad loved sailing so we moved. We moved to Washington state from California.
So it was a very cool town and I had great friends but when I broke into that house my childhood was pretty much over, and then I started drinking when I was 16. And I was pretty much getting drunk, five days a week, when I was close to 19 or 20. And 18 I experimented with other drugs.
I thought I was a poet, I was writing poetry and I thought I was a hippie. I used to play hacky sack wearing Birkenstock shoes and living in a Volkswagen van. And it was, it was alright. You know, it still wasn’t like my childhood.
So, now, 48 years old. I really feel like I’m tapping into that sweet inner child stuff. I’m looking forward to innocent things. That’s what’s cool, instead of looking forward to, you know, a 12 pack of beer and some drugs, or some really loud rock music or something that’s kind of destructive.
My vices are innocent now, like I look forward to just a cup of tea or a really good espresso, maybe a good salad, and maybe a hot bath, after a good jog. That’s what it’s all about, is making your vices innocent, to where you can still feel very satisfied with doing stuff that’s actually not harmful. You know, eating a vegan, you know, chocolate bar, instead of getting wasted off of a case of beer.
I feel like I’m closer to God, especially when I fast, or when I only eat one meal a day. It’s really hard to get close to God when I have a full stomach. I’m realizing, but yesterday, or I think it was two or three days ago. We didn’t have any food for one day, and then I went up to the shrine. And when I was praying to Jesus it was really close. It was really clear, I felt like he was very close.
So, you might want to look into that, you know, just ask God into your life and see what happens from there, but I’m not as antsy as I thought I would be, but things are going to get crazy we’re moving back to Texas in two weeks. And I’m going to be living with Misha’s sister and husband, and I haven’t lived with roommates for 20 years, I mean it’s just been my girlfriend and I over the years.
So, this is going to be hard because I have Asperger’s and socializing is very hard for me, especially since I’m very rusty at it. And I’m nervous about dinners. You know I’m nervous about dinner tables because I had my very first panic attack at a dinner table with my parents. I just felt an overwhelming attack and had to go lay down in the living room. I couldn’t eat dinner at the table anymore. And then, that made me scared of my parents and dinner tables.
But basically, that was my second year of sobriety. And so I think there were a lot of feelings coming out and I couldn’t handle it back then, had tremendous energy, unlimited energy, I could ride my bicycle, you know, 20 miles, it seemed like without getting winded. I had so much energy coming out of me. A lot of it was nervous energy, because my true self was coming out when I got sober.
And now my true self is coming out even more, but I don’t have that super crazy energy, because I think I’m grounded this time, I think the meditations are really helping.
So anyways, this is my update. If you have, if you rock. If you are a stimmer or rock back and forth or if you have Asperger’s hit that subscribe button, leave a comment. Tell me what you are going through.
Are you a rocker? Are you trying to quit? Do you like it, do you want to keep rocking or do you want to quit, or, you know, do you want to quit your stemming or do you want to keep going. Let me know in the comments and we’ll talk to you soon.
Here are a few more Resources for People With Asperger’s and Addiction.