So in my teenage years I just simply could not get a girlfriend, and it was very frustrating because I had everything going for me. Here’s Girls Thought I Was Cocky When it Was Asperger’s.
Girls Thought I Was Cocky When it Was Asperger’s
I had good parents, we were in the upper middle class, we were in a small protective town there were no gangs, and I was in the marching band and all these things but secretly no one really knew that I had Asperger’s.
In fact, back then it wasn’t even really a diagnosis. My parents knew nothing about it. In fact most of the mainstream didn’t know about it until they watched Rain Man – and that was basically autism, it wasn’t even really Asperger’s.
But, growing up was really difficult for me because I was in my own world. I didn’t want to hang out with people. I just self isolated and or I played one on one with friends, I never really did great in groups.
I didn’t really participate in school, especially after I discovered hard rock when I was 12, then I just got lost in my imagination listening to hard rock, while rocking (or stimming they call it) back and forth looking at the windows of my house growing up.
I started to fail out of school, and girls just thought I was quiet and weird. A lot of people are called weird when they have Asperger’s because they don’t hold eye contact and people think that’s the personal assault when you don’t give someone eye contact.
They think that you’re shady or you’re hiding a secret or you disrespect them and eye contact for me was very difficult, and I was becoming rebellious.
My rebellion was basically a bullet proof vest to protect myself. It was a hard shell, so no one would hurt me because my dad had hurt me a lot from being very strict.
My friends hurt me a lot by teasing me and then the bullies, and then eventually the girls, so the probably the worst insult I ever heard was someone calling me weird, because that just completely discredited me, made me feel awkward.
Basically when people call you weird, they don’t understand you. They can’t categorize you, they can’t label you so they just end it with saying You’re weird, and it’s a total insult.
I had a girlfriend call me weird once and I basically just started crying. Looking back, I kind of cried but I was also trying to make her feel uncomfortable to get her back, because I had really complex defense mechanisms.
I wanted her to get me back, and I wanted to get a lot of attention from her so I basically cried and she was like, oh no what happened. I’m sorry. She was a very sweet caring girl.
And, you know, looking back, it was kind of crappy that I did that but I really hated the word weird. And so later in life, in my 20s, I had a nice car. I was good looking, I had a decent job, and girls just stayed away from me.
Later I found out that they thought I was cocky, and I wasn’t cocky. It was a self defense mechanism I didn’t want to get close to people. I didn’t know how to get intimate. I didn’t know how to give them eye contact, and I was very shy.
In fact, my mom said I was very shy when I was in preschool, she said that I didn’t talk. I just kind of hung out by myself, and I still do that today. I analyze people for at least a few weeks before I even speak.
Sometimes I do have complex coping mechanisms as far as acting, I feel like I get into a role when I’m around certain people. I’m like a chameleon, and that’s because I don’t have a strong self identity. My identity is very abstract, it’s neutral.
But, I do have an ego, so I do feel like I’m a certain type of person that when I get around people that identity goes out the window and I become them almost.
So if I get around, for instance, a guy who’s in construction, and he’s a man’s man type of guy, you know, kind of gruff and watches football and drinks beer, I’m gonna be like, Hey, what’s up, you know I’m gonna be like alright cool what are you watching? (in a deep voice)
Then if I’m around someone who’s more feminine and artsy, I’m gonna be like, Hey, how’s it going, you know, where are you doing? Oh I love that stuff. You know, I’m going to show more of that enthusiasm, I’m going to be lighter on my feet – and I’ve done that throughout my life.
So, girls, I just did not figure out girls, and the first girlfriend I ever had was actually 20 years older than me. Because people with Asperger’s usually tend to have older friends because older people usually show more respect.
They listen better, they have better communication skills, and this woman had very strong maternal instincts and paternal instinct and after a while I resented her because she was more like a mom than a girlfriend.
But we were together for four years, she taught me everything I needed about art and music and literature. But in the end I wanted girls younger than me.
When I was 24, I was with her and she was 44 and I went to Job Corps, and there were girls that were like 18 and 19 and I was like wow you know these girls are really cute but I’m with this older woman. So I started to resent her.
When I started drinking, when I was 17, I just stopped thinking about girls all together. I was like, alcohol was amazing and music was amazing, I don’t even need girls – and so I got really kind of bitter and closed off.
And my parents were pissing me off. I didn’t like my dad. I gave him the silent treatment because one of the things I did was withhold love, and I was very good at it.
I gave my dad a silent treatment that lasted two years, from 16 to 18 until he kicked me out. Eventually that bit me in the rear end later on because it ate me alive by giving people silent treatments, it actually hurt me more than it hurt them.
I would hold grudges for decades, people didn’t even realize that I had a grudge against them. So it was basically eating me up because I’m like no, I don’t like them, and I would think about them at night and and be like, you know, I’m going to get them back somehow. Whereas, they’re just living their life, they’re not even thinking about me.
So I wasted years by wanting to seek revenge and get people back, and I created a hard shell because I was highly sensitive and I didn’t want to get hurt. I know I’m jumping all over the place with the timelines, but it’s just flowing so I just go with it, but I hope you understand what I’m talking about.
I think you can outgrow a lot of these traits, so if you’re in your early 20s and you’re watching/reading this and you’re like yeah I just cannot get a girlfriend, I wouldn’t worry because I think you can outgrow a lot of these growing pains that Asperger’s brings.
I feel like I’m more articulate than ever. I feel like I am a respectable citizen, and part of the community, but I still have social anxiety. So I stopped all the stuff that was causing social anxiety, there was a lot of guilt and shame in my life created by, you know, first my dad spanking me really hard, I had a lot of shame.
And then, you know, drinking and drugging created a lot of shame and girls dissing me created a lot of shame. My whole life has been shame and guilt, but I can reduce that by not doing stupid things.
I’ve been sober for 13 years. I’m proud of that. I’m still fapping once in a while, and that’s holding me back from being completely confident because you know I’m 48 years old I shouldn’t be playing with myself like a boy.
I read an article that men who do choose to fap past their 20s will do it until their 60s and I don’t want to be a statistic. I want to diet again, and just get my life back in order, because I want to be the best person I can be.
I’m way better than I was in the 20s. I’m 48 and I’m doing good. And so don’t be too hard on yourself you can outgrow all these awkward growing pains.
Pretty much after the older woman, I did date some other women that were a little bit older than me, but eventually I did get a couple girlfriends that were really cute, and they were younger than me, and I was proud to be with them.
But I basically had to get sober, to get the high quality girls. When I was drunk and younger, I still had lots of self esteem issues and had a lot of rage, but I eventually made amends with my parents and got that worked out.
So I hope this video/article helps you know it’s hard but you can eventually outgrow those awkward times and hang in there and hit that subscribe button, and we’ll talk to you soon.
Erik C Johnson