I got a boy haircut because I feel like a boy again; all these emotions that I suppressed for years, stimming, rocking back and forth, drugs, alcohol, sex, sugar, TV, whatever. I’ve been running from myself and now it’s all coming out because I stopped running, and it’s something we all have to face if we want to get to the truth of who we are. here’s How to Make Asperger’s Friendships.
We gotta stop running, even watching TV is running. A lot of people won’t admit it, they think it’s just some American pastime but really it’s just another drug. You know, the average American watches six hours of TV a night. I destroyed my TV in my 20s. If I watch anything now it’s YouTube videos, but Asperger’s people like documentaries, they like reality and they don’t watch fictionalized TV.
At least I don’t and I read articles about other Asperger’s people that they want the truth, they want real, and I just can’t see watching something that’s made up that someone wrote down – some script. I mean I’ve written enough myself, I would rather read my own materials than watch someone else’s material. That’s just me.
Another funny thing is, I was thinking of other Asperger’s symptoms that we might have and this is a great example. So my dad gave me an electric drill when I was like 12, and most boys would probably want to screw things with it and drill holes and whatnot.
But what fascinated me, it was an old chrome drill, and you could see the electric motor on the inside turning, and what I used to like to do is just gun it, you know, open throttle. You could see little sparks in there. So I used to watch the sparks in the motor, and I used to smell the fan. So it smells like a hot electric motor, and the sparks.
So basically that drill to me was a scent creator, because I love smells – a lot of Aspergers people love smells, and it was just, it was a spark maker. That’s what I loved about it. So funny Asperger’s things right there.
But I want to get down to the nitty gritty and just talk about my real feelings as they emerge as I sit still. I still twitch my feet a little at night when I’m in bed. We’re at my fiance’s family’s house, and we got a studio in the back. So I’m around people more, and this is the first time in three years.
We came from North Carolina. We lived in the mountains in a small cabin. We had no neighbors. I barely left the house. She came down here to Texas three times or two times. I was left home alone for three months at a time and it was pretty hard. It was harder when I was eating sugar and watching the stupid stuff.
The second year she was gone, I got into monk mode and ate really well meditated, yoga, stayed away from doughnuts, stayed away from porn and stayed away from gangsta rap and heavy metal. So, it’s really what you watch guys. I mean if you want a hard time then just watch a lot of destructive violent things – if you want to feel peaceful and calm then obviously watch things that are peaceful and calm, it’s kind of common sense.
But I’m sitting here and they’re all gone right now they went into town. And I’m working out, I did some cables to try to burn out some extra energy, because you know when we’re in fight or flight we have a lot of anxiety, creating a lot of excess energy. You can call it adrenaline or whatever but I know a lot of people that have to work out just to go talk to people, you know introverts, they’re not used to talking to people, and they work out really hard before they go talk to people.
For instance, one person that you might know of is David Goggins. He’s blowing up right now or has for the last couple years and he’s written an awesome book called Can’t Hurt Me. You should check it out on Amazon, there’s a censored version and an uncensored version. Apparently he drops a lot of F bombs, but the guy ran like seven miles just before getting on a talk show.
I feel the same way I used to go for a jog before any social interaction, just to burn off that excess energy. The other thing you can do is Kava. It’s a really awesome supplement. A lot of people don’t know about Kava. You know, they think about chamomile and valerian root, but Kava is my favorite that really made me care less when people were around me, and did something to my brain that made me feel good, and it made me care less about people around me. So, it did something with my synapses or whatever.
So guys there’s just a lot of stuff and a lot of guilt and shame coming up. It doesn’t help to fap or eat sugar or, you know, look at porn or, anything that’s kind of dirty in nature, you’re probably going to feel some kind of guilt and shame if you look people in the eyes after that. So I try to avoid that stuff. I want to be blameless, I want to be a citizen.
I used to want to be a, I was a high school dropout and I hopped trains and I was a drunk and a hobo. But today, being 48 years old, I just want to fit in with society now. I want to be able to look people in the eyes and be real, and not look away, and be all cowardly because I’m watching porn in secret, or doing any other shady things, so if you want to get better at eye contact, you first should get rid of the bad habits that make you feel a little bit of shame and guilt.
Even if you don’t feel guilt and shame, it could still happen subconsciously. It could beat you down, it could lower your self esteem. I’ve done stuff for the last 40 years that gave me guilt and shame. I started rocking when I was eight years old. So right then and there I knew I was different from other kids. I had to rock.
Then I started, you know, playing around with myself. Then I started listening to heavy metal six hours a day, and I didn’t want to talk to people and I ignored my parents and I started flunking out of school. I was just running now. I was running because I got shot down very young, I was an innocent, very sensitive sweet kid and when my dad first spanked me super hard when I was five, I was like, What on earth was that??
I mean I was in such shock. I had no idea what he did to me, and I cried my eyes out. I peed my pants while he was spanking me in front of cars passing by. It was incredibly embarrassing. From then on, I think I didn’t really trust them. Then I saw his rage even more and I was like I can’t trust this guy. I want out of here.
So I’ve been in fight or flight for most of my life. That’s why I get addicted to things so easily. because I want to escape my uncomfortable feelings. But guys, all the growth, if you want to become a real person, real man or woman, you’re going to have to face those feelings that you’ve suppressed and pushed down for years. You might be dealing with something as simple as TV, like I said before or cigarettes or even chewing gum or whistling or biting your nails or twirling your hair is considered stimming.
Stimming is called self stimulation. Most people self stimulate because they’re bored, or they don’t want to feel bad. People are so scared of feeling bad or feeling their feelings – and I tell you that that is where all the growth is. I’m not talking down to you, I’m discovering this at the same time you are.
I don’t even know who I am right now. I’m 48. I look like a man, but I feel like a boy – mentally stunted from drugs and alcohol and rocking for 40 years. I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I have to fit in all of a sudden since we moved down here and now there’s two other people in the house.
I don’t know what to do. I go out there and say Hi, good morning, and go to the bathroom. Then I hide back in our studio. I can’t go near a dinner table with them, never even had dinner with a couple before, besides my family and last time I had dinner at a dinner table with my family, I had a panic attack.
My counselor at the time was like, you probably had that panic attack because you felt safe enough to start bringing up all those emotions against my dad or whatever suppressed, rage, fear. I sat at the table and sweat started pouring down my face. My dad looked at me like, are you okay. And I felt like I was having a heart attack, I was like no I gotta lay down.
And ever since then I was like I can’t go over to my parents house now, because I don’t want another panic attack. They call that panic disorder – when you’re scared of having another panic attack you avoid the place that created it. You know people have that with PTSD, or they go back to a crime scene and they have a flashback. You feel all those emotions again. It’s pure fear. It’s like seeing a shark, or something. You feel like you’re having a heart attack.
So obviously, you want to avoid that at all costs. Unfortunately, it was around my dad. So now when they come visit, I’m all nervous. And my mom’s like we’re, we’re your parents, you should worry about us. I’m like I know it’s my body I can’t control the reactions of my body. I love you guys, but I’m freaking out right now my eyes start twitching.
Last time I saw them in California, I just broke down crying. I was like, I’m really nervous right now guys, I know this should be a fun time and we should go out and have lunch and dinner at restaurants. But I’m scared. My dad was like you need to get help, son. I’m not getting on meds. It’s a big scam. I know I can do it naturally. I have done it actually.
I’m around Misha’s family right now. It’s incremental guys, it’s small steps. Do something that’s a little bit uncomfortable. You got to work your way up to big stuff. But the small stuff you got to go through to get confidence and self esteem. So something as small as holding eye contact for a minute longer with somebody, or saying hi to somebody, or creating small conversation.
If you go get a coffee from a coffee shop, just pause for a minute longer, and just say how’s your day. Let them talk. All you have to do is nod your head. And you know what’s funny is I didn’t really know how to nod. I thought I had to smile. The whole time they taught, because I saw my mom doing that growing up. It’s like crap How am I going to hold a smile the whole time someone talks to me. That’s the fake stuff I don’t like, and it causes a lot of anxiety and stress.
How to Make Asperger’s Friendships
So just be yourself. And I know that’s easier said than done. I don’t even know who I am. How am I supposed to be myself? Luckily, Misha’s family knows that I have Asperger’s, so they’re going to give me a little break, they’re going to give me some leeway. They’re going to understand a little bit more if I go in the back room, and they don’t hear from me.
But it’s still stupid. Why should I have to go through all this stuff, jog for five miles before seeing friends, hiding in a room. I mean I used to rock 14 hours a day. You think I have any self esteem from rocking 14 hours a day? I gotta get back into society slowly.
Another good book you should read is, How to Win Friends and Influence People, or how to influence people and win friends by Dale Carnegie. Because what people want the most from you is just you to ask them questions and listen. Then you’ll make a lot of friends because everyone wants to talk. But if you’re the one asking them questions and calling them by their first name, you’re gonna win tons of friends. Not that we want friends with Asperger’s.
But if you do want to get back into society, the best way to do that is ask some questions. It’s easy. Just learn how to nod and ask a question, try to look them in the eye. If you can’t, you can Dart, you know divert your eyes for a couple seconds and then try to hold eye contact, again, ask some questions, call them by their first name, and they will love you, because everyone is thinking about themselves.
No one wants to ask questions because everyone wants to talk. But that’s where we’re different guys, we can ask questions and nod. That’s all I gotta do. And don’t worry if, if you don’t want to smile don’t smile. That’s my lesson. If you don’t want to smile don’t smile. Most people don’t smile. You look at some family photographs, the family is not smiling, Mexicans don’t smile really, Peruvians don’t smile. It’s not in their culture, it must be an American thing where we were taught to smile. Say cheese. but it’s just a, it’s just a facade, it’s fake.
Most of us are feeling anxious and depressed and half of us are on some drug or another, the last thing we want to do is smile. It’s the furthest thing away from our heart is to smile.
So be real. Be real and things will unfold. And you will start to know yourself more and more. And you actually respect yourself more when you don’t have to smile when you smile and you don’t feel like it, you’re just jumping through their hoops and doing song and dance for people. That’s going to lower your self esteem more, because you’re going to be like – man that was fake. Why did I do that? It’s all about authenticity.
So, I want to be real, I want to be authentic. I want to feel like I’m in my 20s again. I want to lose weight. I want to feel free. That’s what this whole channel is about is feeling free in our own skin. I want to get out of debt, lose 20 pounds and meditate at least three hours a night. Go monk mode hardcore.
Go monk mode, you know, make a little monastery in your house, sit alone. Let those tears come on let those tears come up, welcome it. Welcome everything, love everything. Anything that comes up love it. Even if it’s bad, because usually the bad stuff is where the lessons are. That’s where the nuggets are.
People are like, I can’t have any bad, it’s like well then you’re missing out on a ton of lessons. That’s what this life is about, people call it soul school. We’re here to learn our lessons and acquire wisdom, then we can pass on or Passover. We don’t just die, we pass over. Are you gonna look at God, if you’re just chewing bubblegum your whole life for working at a factory for 40 years and not doing any work.
You can still work in a factory. You guys sit still and start journaling, you’re like well I don’t know how to write, it’s like yeah you Do you know how to write. You probably write more than you think. So in my 20s I loved writing journaling. Reading fun books by Jack Kerouac hitchhiking hobo stories. Wine under the stars, don’t need the wine anymore.
The Holy Spirit’s better it’s a cleaner high that lasts longer fills your heart. That’s what we’re all trying to do is fill our heart. You can’t fill your heart with eating crap and doing bad things can only fill your heart with God and love and forgiveness. So forgive the people that burned you, I still have to forgive my dad. A lot of people do a lot of people have to forgive their dads, you do that, you’re halfway to Jesus. Jesus loves all of us, no matter what.
Even the murderers. You might not like that. You might be like No way. How can you love a murderer? Well, we’re all his children, and some people do bad things, but usually they’re just operating out of fear. They have crappy dads, and they have crappy dads, and they have crappy dads. That’s why it says in the Bible that generations can be cursed up to three to four generations.
So it’s your time to break the chains, the shackles of your generation of your bloodline be the first one to ask questions and say how are you doing today. Oh, hold the door open for someone to smile, even if they don’t smile back, do the little things it’s the little things that count. That’s it for today. Love you guys. hit that subscribe button, we’ll talk to you soon.
Here’s more Resources for Asperger’s and Addiction
Erik C Johnson