So I want to talk about my last days of full blown alcoholism and just how traumatic it was and how debilitating it was and demoralizing.
Now I’ve been sober for over 10 years and every day it’s a blessing, sometimes I forget it’s a blessing. But I know where drinking leads.
You know I’ve had hundreds of relapses. I’ve told every lie imaginable to start drinking again. But when I finally hit rock bottom, I knew I was done.
So let’s talk about the demoralization because it doesn’t get any better – if you’re an alcoholic. It’s a progressive disease, and it will just get worse and worse over time.
Even if you have a year or two of sobriety or even longer if you go back out drinking, you’ll be right where you left off in a matter of weeks, couple months, because we know our tricks, and we go right back to our tricks.
So let’s talk about some tricks that I used to speed up my demise with alcoholism. I stopped eating food. Now this is insanity. I stopped eating food two years before I got sober.
The reason I stopped eating was I didn’t have a lot of money, because I’m almost homeless, only working two days a week, and just a pathetic mess, so I didn’t have a lot of money to buy beer. I stopped eating because I didn’t want it to ruin my buzz.
So a couple months of doing that I couldn’t hold down food, like my stomach got so inflamed and irritated I couldn’t hold down food. I couldn’t even hold down yogurt.
I tried getting a Big Mac from McDonald’s and I was walking home on this trail and ate half of it. An hour later I puked it up on the trail. I almost started crying because I was like, I haven’t eaten for days. I just puked up my food.
You know this is just crazy but I couldn’t stop drinking. At that point of my drinking. The only thing that I thought I needed was alcohol that was the only thing that made me feel somewhat normal.
Forget about feeling a buzz; forget about feeling a buzz or having a good time now. Those days were long gone. At this point I’m drinking like it’s my lifeline, and the only thing it’s doing is making me feel a little bit better, a little less achy – a little less sketched out about what I’m doing with my life.
You know, it gave me a little relief, let’s just say that, you know the drinking gave me a little bit of relief but you know it was bad. It was really bad so I stopped, I stopped eating – and I was shaking. I was trembling with alcohol withdrawals all night, towards the end.
The other thing is, I couldn’t hold my bladder, and I was getting drunk every night. I would wet my bed. I don’t remember doing it, I was blacked out every night, I would wet my bed.
It got to the point where I would just tear off the sheets, I was like, screw this. I don’t know, I’m gonna just not wash my sheets anymore. I’m just wetting them every night.
At this point I’m hanging out with one person, all my other friends are gone, the only person I’m hanging out with is – his street name was Animal, and he grunted and he had long greasy hair.
I liked him because he was just broken. You know he was humiliated, he was almost homeless. He didn’t have an ego. Right, so he wasn’t cocky. He didn’t talk back to me and he could drink like me so I liked hanging out with him because he was just a broken down homeless man.
That was all the people I could hang out with, towards the end I couldn’t deal with anyone else. I couldn’t deal with my parents, I couldn’t deal with my girlfriend, I couldn’t deal with even listening to music.
I was basically living in a dark room of my girlfriend’s house. I wanted to be left alone. And, every morning, about 8am I would take my first full beer, the malt liquor, and I would puke it up because of the foam, and because my stomach was irritable.
I couldn’t hold down the first beer in the morning. And, she was feeling so sorry for me she’d bring me beer, you know, so she’s enabling me – and, you know, when I was 32 I had a heart attack from alcohol withdrawals.
So now I’m 34. I’m on heart medicine because of my heart attack and I’m drinking heavier than ever. I’m getting drunk twice a day now. I wake up in the morning, get wasted, pass out until about 2pm, then I start getting drunk for the evening.
That’s how my life was for the last year. I tried getting sober hundreds of times, couldn’t do it, went to AA for a little while then I just stopped going.
Now, I’m losing my legs, because I’m just sitting in a dark room all day, rocking back and forth, not listening to music anymore.
I created an imaginary friend, because I was so lonely. It was this innocent, sweet, Bumblebee, I called her Mrs Bumble and she would peek out from the closet door.
I was so depressed and lonely, that just the imagination of seeing her peek out at me with those big eyes made me cry. It was basically like an animated cartoon I made up.
And I would cry because I was so depressed, the alcohol wasn’t fun anymore. People were beating me up. I couldn’t leave the house. You know, my ex friends were trying to get my rocker girlfriend to sleep with other guys, you know, I just had some really bad friends.
It was just pathetic and I was gaining weight, even though I wasn’t eating. I was getting this massive beer belly. I weighed 215 pounds.
Just a couple years earlier than that, I was 180. I was working out and playing racquetball. I loved life. I was sober, and that all went away.
So, that’s basically it. Every morning I’d wake up and I didn’t even want to look in the mirror, my eyes were dead. They were like dead fish eyes.
So, guys, you got to get sober, it’s not worth it to keep drinking, it just gets worse. It just gets worse. It’s a progressive disease.
Look around, you have to take a reality check. And yeah, I was destroying my life everywhere in my life it was destroyed. The only reason why I stopped was I felt enough guilt and shame, and I felt so defenseless.
So defenseless I couldn’t even stick up for myself, you know, and these little skater punks were coming over to my girlfriend’s house, trying to see where my girlfriend was.
And, this one guy was just making fun of me and he was like 10 years younger than me. He was just making fun of me and finally I was like I gotta get out of here. This is pathetic.
I’m shaking in bed naked. This guy comes over at 8am to see if my ex-girlfriend was home. He was probably up all night on meth or something, and I was defenseless.
A couple years earlier, I was strong, I had two jobs, I was doing great and now I’m shaking in this dark little room – and this skater punk is making fun of me and I can’t kick him out of my own house, my girlfriend’s house.
So I decided to pick myself up, grab the last few beers out of the fridge, walk home, back to my converted school bus, and that was it.
I nursed those two beers. I drank them slow, because I knew it was over. And that was 13 years ago.
Now, two years into sobriety I freaked out, got drunk for two days. Then I quit again. I was like, I’m not revisiting this hell realm. This is a dark world, it gets worse and worse.
Just the feeling of total pathetic uselessness, demoralized, every single morning, wearing dirty clothes, pissing myself and couldn’t even clip my nails or take a shower.
It was a huge chore just to walk to the bathroom, and I was starving to death. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t see things, my eyesight was blurry. My brain was starving to death.
Finally I was like this is it – and that’s what you have to do: you have to hit rock bottom absolutely, there’s no reservation. This is life or death. You can’t have any reservations and think, Well, you know, maybe if I just change alcohol from beer to wine or maybe if I get a different girlfriend or boyfriend.
No! This is life or death, you have to stop drinking today because it’s progressive, it gets worse every single month, every single year.
And if you keep drinking, you’re gonna have brain damage, you’re gonna have liver damage, it’s going to make you have Manboobs (if you’re a man).
It’s gonna, you’re gonna destroy your testosterone, you’re gonna lose your confidence, it’s gonna destroy everything. and it’s gonna take all of your money.
Pretty soon you will be on the streets, or you’ll be dead or you’ll be in jail. So get sober, watch the rest of my videos, read the rest of these articles wherever you found me, because this is life or death.
I’m doing these to help you guys, because there’s no other reason for me to live, except to help people now, because I was a self centered drunk – and when you’re a self centered drunk you only think about yourself, and you’re basically wasting breath. You’re wasting air. All right, But when you get sober, you can start giving back and you will feel absolutely amazing that you now have a purpose here in life. So I love you guys, hit that subscribe button and we’ll talk to you soon.
Erik C Johnson