How I Was a Self-Centered Drunk in Fight or Flight

Self-Centered Drunk

I want to talk about becoming a self centered drunk, narcissist jerk because of alcoholism and I’m going to talk about my story, so beautiful day out here just doing some yard work. It feels good to be out in nature. Hmm. So, got my notes here. I was a self centered drunk because of a fight or flight. That’s what we’re gonna talk about. 

Self-Centered Drunk

I was a self centered drunk because of fight or flight so what do I mean by that, well, people that are in fight or flight, just like the term, they either are going to physically fight you, or they flee. Now I was a very shy, introverted boy, very sensitive and my dad was scary, you know growing up. 

I remember the first time he spanked me. When I was about five I picked up some fiberglass he told me not to and he spanked me so hard, my body was flailing around as cars were passing. We were on the side of the road, taking a piss break. And he was flailing me around with his spanking. It was so hard. 

And after that I was just like, what the heck just happened, you know, and I don’t know if I thought this or if I imagined it but back then I was like I’m gonna get him back for doing that because I had no idea what had happened. I was a sheltered little boy. 

So when he spanked me for the first time for real, I was just like, I gotta get out of this. I gotta get out of this family. I gotta get out of this world, or create some alternate universe I could live in because I don’t know what the heck just happened. 

So, long story short, I’ve been in flight my whole life. I never was good at fighting. I know I could be a jerk to girls, but I can never get into fights, physical fights with guys. I was scared of guys, I’m just being honest, I mean I love women, but you know I was a coward. So if I picked on anyone, it would be my girlfriend at the time. I want to talk about how I began becoming that jerk, because maybe we can get to the bottom of this once and for all. 

I started drinking when I was 17, and I didn’t really know the effects of it but once it got into my system. I loved it. I mean it  was magical. It just lit me up. I had unlimited energy. I could talk to people all day long, and I was manic. I just had so much manic energy because I finally felt free with the alcohol buzz. And I remember staying up all night on alcohol. 

When normal people usually pass out. I just had to go, I had to go talk to everyone in the world. It was like my last day on earth. And so alcohol was really good in the beginning, you know, sunny days drinking a six pack or having a half rack, still laughing with friends. It still seemed like a normal pastime for a while and then I started drinking and driving, and it started to affect all parts of my life I remember. 

I dropped out of high school when I was 17, I didn’t care about high school. I cared about wanting to be a rock and roll drummer. Unfortunately I couldn’t get to Hollywood and do that music school because I didn’t graduate high school. So my parents weren’t going to help me, so I was basically left on my own sleeping on couches and floors of friends houses. 

But I remember when I was 20, I finally went back to high school evening classes at a vocational college in Tacoma, Washington, and I had an English teacher, and I really liked him. And, you know, I attended classes just like everyone else in the evening. 

But one time I got drunk. I stayed up all night, and then I went to school the next day to round up some friends and go on a road trip, and this is just from an alcohol drunk. I had so much manic energy – and while I was walking through the hallways in the cafeteria looking for friends I saw my professor. And I was just like, hey, how’s it going, Mr. So, are you having a great day. I love love your class, I just think it’s exceptional and you’re doing great work, keep it up. 

I’m looking for a couple friends, and then that day, I think I got a DUI the next day or something like that got thrown in jail. And so that was like the beginning of my alcoholic future basically getting in trouble with the law and not sticking up for myself – if I got into any stressful situation I just turned to the bottle. I didn’t want to deal with too much stress.

Even today, I feel like I’m a boy stuck in a man’s body. I’m almost 50 years old, and I don’t feel like it, I feel like I’m still 22. I wish my body felt like it was 22. So basically, alcohol led to this really self centered, narcissistic person because I was really shy and highly sensitive and introverted, and didn’t know how to handle my emotions and didn’t know how to manage stress. 

So when things got hard I just said screw it and I’d walk away. I walked away from jobs, I walked away from girlfriends. I hurt a lot of people, even when I was 16 I withheld love, you know, I finally got my dad back. I gave him the silent treatment from 16 to 18 until he kicked me out. 

Then I couldn’t handle living on the streets and I came back three months later and I begged him to bring me back home, or you know invite me back in and he was like We don’t harbor bums here. We don’t harbor bums here. So that really hurt. I tried being a man, but it got me, and I almost started crying right there and, I was like, You don’t understand me and left again and then he didn’t hear from me for another two years. 

When I finally got with a girlfriend who was 20 years older than me, I was still a boy, and I had all this guilt and shame for playing silent treatment against my dad. I had to get my dad back but it was eating me alive. It never pays to give someone the silent treatment or seek revenge or beat people up or do any of this anger stuff, it just does not pay. I wasn’t even good at it. 

So that’s about it. I was self centered. And then I became alcoholic. But I’m a good person. And I’m really sensitive, and it didn’t have to be that way. It just happened. I don’t have any regrets because I feel like I can use all these stories to help someone out there, and I had to unravel. So I had to let it all unravel. The alcoholism had to unravel. I almost died from alcohol when I was 32 I had a heart attack. 

People were saying I was gonna die in a year, I stopped eating food, because it was gonna ruin my buzz. I couldn’t hold a job. I was hanging out with homeless people. I was pissing my bed every night drinking and driving, horrible just, you know, empty beer cans all over my house, all over the backseat of my car, no friends left and miserable. And even then I still didn’t self reflect. You know, I just felt like crap. 

How drunk I got. . .

I just wanted a beer. That’s all I cared about, just give me a beer. And then so two years into sobriety, I started doing spiritual work, started doing shadow work looking at who I am looking at how I treat people and really doing some soul searching, and I still know that I have a lot of trauma from my past, and I got into meditation. And I got into, I did Ayahuasca, you know, I found Jesus. 

But every day, I’m still unraveling what I did in my 20s. You know, I’m 48, but I’m still trying to make sense of what happened in my teens and my 20s. But back then when I was living it, I didn’t think it was that complex. I just ignored people and I got drunk. 

Now that I basically have found out that I have a heart and feelings, I’m looking back at that stuff, analyzing it, catching myself if I raise my voice today with my fiance, I stopped myself, why am I doing that, why is this, why is she threatening me. She’s just asking about my day. Why is that a threat? She’s asking me to do something. Why is that a threat? 

So the bottom line is really dissecting everything about you, but it really comes back to the root cause of your childhood trauma. And some days it’s exciting to unravel all of these problems – other days, I don’t know why I’m alive. You know it feels empty. Like, what’s the point of being here? I’m not contributing to anything. 

So, if I can at least help one person with these videos, I would be, I would be so excited I would be it would really put meaning to my life I would it would make sense, because I know I escaped death, tons of times drinking and driving, heart attack, accidentally doing heroin at a party when I was drunk. So many times I could have died. And the only reason I’m here now, is to, to come to terms with who I am. I’m a sinner. I admit it. I’m not perfect. I still sin, but it’s becoming less and less. Like, if I say I’m having a relapse today, that means I maybe had a couple apple fritters and, or I had a pop, and I gained some weight. That’s a relapse, maybe watching a little porn. 

But if I had a relapse 15 years ago, it was a case of beer, it was some speed. It was cheating on a girlfriend. It was crazy. So I’m getting better every single year. It takes time. It takes time to unravel and to heal, but just like they do in boot camp in the Marines they tear you down to rebuild you to build you back up. 

And you have to do that in sobriety, you got to just stop hiding behind the lies and Stop fidgeting and trying to move all the time. And, and avoiding feeling your feelings because it comes down to sitting with your feelings, and they’re going to feel crappy sometimes and you’re going to cry, or you’re going to get angry for no reason, at least on the surface, it feels like no reason. 

But it’s your inner child begging you to stop and to hear them. Because you didn’t want to feel certain things when you were a child so you pushed it down. You pushed it down with drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, cigarettes, whatever you push it down for decades and now you have to sit still and let that inner child come back out and feel all the feelings and know that it’s okay to feel those feelings. It’s okay. 

It’s not okay to hurt people intentionally, but it’s okay to feel frustrated and sad. So that’s my video about being self centered and fighter flight, alcoholism, narcissism, all the, all the juicy topics of this Bittersweet Life. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave a comment if you’re battling anything like this or if you just want to talk and hit that subscribe button. It really means a lot, and we’ll talk to you soon. Self-Centered Drunk

Sincerely,

Erik C Johnson

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