Anti-Social after Stopping Drinking

Anti-Social after Stopping Drinking

So I’ve been sober for almost 13 years and I’m still finding myself not fitting in with anyone, and back to my old self, you know, not really digging people or wanting to participate in social activities. Here’s Anti-Social after Stopping Drinking tips.

Anti-Social after Stopping Drinking

I just got back from visiting my fiance’s family, and you know they own a bar, so obviously I couldn’t go in while people were drinking there. We went in during the lull between lunch and dinner and said hi to everyone and it kind of just felt like – I just felt like a shadow. 

You know, I didn’t really feel like I was me. It felt like I was in a place that I used to visit, you know the bar, and I wasn’t even really a good drunk. I was only social for an hour after starting drinking. 

I was social for about an hour (in my past) and then it just slipped away and then I became a drunk and passing out, vomiting, being stupid, blacking out, whatever. 

So, over 13 years sobriety and I’m realizing that I’m pretty picky with who I talk to, and if they just talk about the weather, and drama or gossip, I don’t really want to participate. 

It’s totally fine that you don’t want to participate in a conversation that people are having, you don’t have to fit in now that you’re sober, you can still be you. 

In fact, I would work more on being confident as being you and sobriety, than trying to fit in with people that don’t have the same interest as you. That’s what I think. I think that you should still be your true self. 

And yeah, if you get anger issues and you know it’s not cool to destroy things and tell people f*** you, that’s not really acceptable. I’m talking about being unique and tapping into who you really are in sobriety. 

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself. A lot of people don’t know how to be themselves when they get sober. So, I think, in my sobriety, you know 13 years, I’ve pretty much been hiding at home still, but it’s not really hiding, it’s just, I’ve just gotten used to the fact that I’m kind of a lone wolf, and it’s okay. I only feel bummed about it once in a great while, like oh yeah, I can’t really fit in with those people. But, I don’t really want to. 

I do feel lonely sometimes and I dive into my work when I feel lonely. I dive into learning about my craft more. 

If I want to talk about something  I’ll do research on it or write about it, I’ll do videos about it. 

What really excites me is actually connecting with people that have the same interests as me, which I can do now online. I don’t have to go out. Most people are not going out these days, they’re at home they’re ordering online, because of the current situation. 

People are chatting on video conferencing and all that stuff, zoom calls and I don’t need to do that. But I do like to attract people with like minded interests to my YouTube channels and to my blogs, and maybe we can start a dialogue. 

So, the people that I really like – let me just talk about that, the people that I really like in sobriety are the people that have been through the wringer, in life, they’ve gone to hell and back, okay I don’t really like these sugar coated cookie cutter type preachers that haven’t really had a dark side, you know, they haven’t really gone to hell and back. 

I like the people, like for instance, the Hells Angels. There’s a lot of sober Hells Angels, and they have group meetings. You know there’s Hells Angels in AA and there’s Hells Angels that go to church, there’s biker churches, these are hardcore people. 

And I think I could relate to them more than trying to fit in with some people that haven’t lived that way. I’m not saying that I’m hard like they are but I definitely got to a point in my drinking where I was hanging out with homeless people. I was just drinking malt liquor all day. I wasn’t showering, I was pissing all over myself and passed out at night. I didn’t even care anymore. 

Okay, so I was down in the bowels of hell. And if I want to talk to someone, it’s gonna be someone that’s very real and they’re kind of intense and they tell it like it is – and I like that. 

There were a couple guys like that at the bar last night. There’s a certain style of Texan that, you know, they’re laid back, and they don’t really look me in the eye when they talk, they kind of look away, you know and that’s how I like it. 

I don’t like people that just come up and they’re like, Hey, how are you, and they just stare into my eyes and I have no chance to breathe, because they’re just all over me. I don’t like that. 

I don’t want to sit at a dinner table and be all formal. I had a panic attack at a dinner table and that was pretty much the last time I had dinner at a table because I had a panic attack and that was two years in sobriety. It was around my dad. 

So I had a lot of stuff come up with my dad when I got sober. You know I was running from my life for so long with alcohol, drugs, porn, sugar and food and everything that when I finally got sober, all the feelings came back, all the trauma came back from my childhood. 

So that’s pretty much what I want to work on, I want to work on that wounded child that’s deep inside. I want to stop doing stupid stuff so that inner child can come back out. 

Because every time that little inner child starts to come out I scare it away. I relapse with food or porn or I get in a big argument with my fiance and that inner child hides again. 

I know that sounds weird and fruity but it’s true you know, look into inner child work – there’s hypnosis that you can do, because a lot of us are just wounded, we’re just kind of like caged animals, and we’re wounded, and we don’t really want to be evil and wicked and hurt people.

Most of us have a good heart, I have a good heart. I just got scared when I was a boy, you know, I was highly sensitive and so I started putting all this armor around me so I wouldn’t get hurt. 

And that’s how a lot of these people are that look tough on the outside a lot of them are big teddy bears. But, you know, we create all this armor because we don’t want to get hurt. We were brought up under scary dads, you know, or scary moms, whatever. 

So, in my sobriety I want to be authentic, I want to connect with people that are real, and they’ve been to hell and back, and I don’t have to fit in with everyone that’s around me. 

I don’t have to have dinner with my fiance’s family. I don’t have to hang out at a bar, I mean I could be like, No way. I don’t do bar. You know I’ve been sober for 13 years. I don’t need to revisit that ever again. If they want to really see me that bad, they can come over. You know they can come to my place. I’m not going to their place. 

I don’t care about drinking. I don’t care about people doing stupid stuff when they’re blacked out anymore. I don’t care about drunken stories, or, you know, people falling over drunk, you know, it’s not funny to me. 

I’m almost 50 years old now. The only thing that interests me is life or death, heaven or hell. I’m getting to that stage in my life where I want to find God, I want to connect with God. That’s what I want. I don’t want to talk about stupid gossip and who did what last weekend.

I want to talk about, you know, how’s your prayer life with God? Do you know Jesus? Do you feel like you know him, do you talk to him? Do you go to a private place, and get really close, one on one with Jesus, not just prayer to get what you want or begging him for this or that I’m not talking about using God like a piggy bank. I’m talking about have you really gotten to know God? 

Because half of my life is over and I hurt a lot of people and I was very self centered when I was drunk. Now, I want to give back. I want to help others. I’ve never done it before, I’ve never wanted to help others. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to help anyone. I was a self centered, alcoholic, drunk, addict, and all I wanted to do was get a fix, or get more beer. 

Now, I want to know who God is, I want to get close to God. I want him to purify my heart, I want to become a new man, I want to be born again, because I know that my time is coming where I am going to see God. 

So my issues are a lot deeper. I don’t have time for gossip. I don’t have time for stupid funny drunk jokes. I don’t have time for how’s the weather talks. I want to get real and I want to get real fast. 

That’s why I like the Hells Angels that are, you know, they’re doing AA or NA or they’re going to church, and they’re real and they’ve done really bad stuff – they’ve murdered people, and yet Jesus will forgive anyone who repents. Even the murderers. 

And for a lot of people that’s hard to conceptualize, but he’s our Father and His love is 1000 times bigger than any of our love, we are not perfect. And we’re sinning every day, the least we can do is become a little bit better every single day. 

I know I’m rambling, you know, I didn’t really know how I was going to go about this video/article. But, this is what’s on my mind and it’s “go time”. You know I have to do something with my life, I have to communicate with you guys and hopefully someone out there will be like yeah, I get it, I am totally with you on this, let’s do this! Let’s start bringing people to God, let’s start motivating people to get sober! 

Because this world is just getting weirder and crazier. You know the evil that is going on right now is so bad. And the Bible says that in the last days right will be wrong and wrong will be right. Everything will be perverted, everything will be upside down.

So what’s going on right now is purely evil but the left is saying it’s great you know, the left is saying we like these things that are happening because they benefit from it, and the right side is saying, what is going on this is insane. This is pure evil, what are they doing?! 

Okay, we have to ride it out. This is the biggest time of our life. This is history in the making. And if we’re just talking about the weather and stupid stuff that people do when they’re drunk, you’re missing the point, this is the time because you do not know when the last day is when the last hour is coming. 

I certainly don’t want to be goofing around in my last minute or my last hour. I’ve already had a heart attack, you know, 16 years ago. And who knows, I could clog an artery today and be gone. 

I really have not done much with my life. You know I’ve been sober for over 13 years but it’s only been the last year that I’ve done videos for Jesus and done sobriety videos. I really haven’t tried helping people until now. 

So it is kind of a mad rush to get to some kind of area in my life that I’m proud of, that maybe I can help someone find God, or at least get sober, because I was just a selfish drunk, so it’s okay if you’re alone. It’s okay to be yourself, it’s okay to be unique. 

It’s okay to still be angry. You know we’re dealing with trauma from our childhood. You have to let it unravel. Cry it out, you know, get a punching bag if you’re angry, you know, and slowly but surely you will calm down. And you’ll be understood. You know, God will always be there. Ask him to cleanse your heart. Ask him to take away your past. Ask him to make you a new person. 

And slowly, you will become a new person, seek and you shall find God presents whatever you want. If you seek it hard enough consistently, you will get what you want. It always works out. 

I thought I was going to be doing something totally different a couple years ago. Now I’m doing this. We got to just ride the wave, this is life. You can’t control it. Let go of your control. That’s probably half of the anger you feel is that you can’t control your situation, you can’t control your environment. I was a control freak. I was a perfectionist, by letting that stuff go, I’m getting calmer every day.

I love you guys, I hope this helps and hit that subscribe button, and we’ll talk to you soon. 

Here’s more Resources for Autism and Addiction

Sincerely,

Erik C Johnson

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