I have suffered from Autism and addiction for as long as I can remember. I started rocking back and forth when I was two years old. I became addicted to everything i.e. drugs, alcohol, masturbation, hard rock music, cigarettes, etc., when I was around 17.
My family sheltered me and they rarely had friends come over. I was introverted, shy, and liked playing by myself. My dad had a scary temper but was also very loving, which confused me. There was a lot of alcoholism and mental illness in my family and relatives, although my parents didn’t drink or do drugs.
I have a lot of shame and guilt. I was always told when I did things wrong and was micromanaged by my dad. My dad, my friends, even teachers at school picked on me. When I first drank alcohol it felt like magic because it alleviated all this tension, plus it was in “my blood” to become addicted to alcohol, or anything really.
Over the years, I have tried achieving success in higher education, jobs, relationships, online businesses, sobriety and have always failed – which fuels the cycle of guilt and shame – through sabotage and low self-esteem.
I nearly died from alcohol (heart aattack at 32) and came close to homelessness. However, I have been sober for over 10 years. But, that hasn’t improved my self-isolation or wanting to escape through rocking, masturbation, hard rock etc. I just changed one addiction for another.
I now rock back and forth 14 hours a day and try not to masturbate. I work online and make enough to get by. I have no friends, and I project all my frustrations out on businesses I’m involved with and internet friends.
I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb. Plus, I am somewhat of a born-again Christian and have a lot of guilt and shame now when I “relapse” with any escapism. I truly feel like I have no control over myself sometimes and feel influenced by demons. (although I’m not Schizophrenic or hear voices.) I am just fed up. Can you help me?
