I wasn’t gonna do a video/article today because I kind of relapsed, with no fap (Masturbating).
The thing is that I wasn’t going to do a video/article because I screwed up.
So basically I was going to condemn myself, and I thought that I can only talk to you guys when I’m perfect, when I’m fasting, when I’m really close to Jesus, etc, etc.
But I think this video/article is going to be more important – and the reason is that we’re not perfect, and some of the tools that the devil uses is guilt, shame and condemnation.
I’ve battled with that most of my life. I was a severe alcoholic. So there were 1000s of times that when I was hung over I said I wasn’t going to drink anymore. Then that night, I would get drunk, and I’ve done that literally hundreds of times, and it just kept me in the cycle of guilt and shame.
I would go, you know, I would get sober and I would stay sober for six months, nine months 12 months, and then if I relapsed, I would say well I just threw away six months, nine months, I might as well just really, you know, live it up because I’m back to square one.
And that’s the only thing I don’t really like about 12 Step AA meetings is that on one hand, it’s great that people count their days of sobriety, but on the other hand, if they relapse, they’re like, well great, I just lost it all I have to start all over.
I just lost all of those days. But that’s wrong, because that gives you a lot of guilt and shame, which the Devil loves. He wants you to feel like crap.
So you keep doing it, and some people, they don’t come back from that relapse, they just go back out, using and drinking, or, whatever addiction it is and they never come back.
So, you have to love yourself, because it’s a process. You’re getting better every single day.
If you look back five years ago, you’re probably a little bit better today – and that’s all that matters. Jesus can forgive anyone.
In the Bible, he worked with the prostitutes and the tax collectors, he talked to the people that really were sick and needed him. He didn’t talk to the people that had a lot of pride and were wealthy.
He went to the drunks and the prostitutes. So Jesus is there for you when you relapse, probably more than if you were doing great. Okay.
When I’m fasting, when I’m struggling with money, or whatever, I feel pretty close to Jesus because I’m in the battle. I’m in the trenches and he’s right there with me.
When I’m making a lot of money and everything seems great, he seems really far away. So the sanctification process is basically you are slowly changing into a righteous person, a Christian. Someone that becomes eventually spotless and blameless before the Lord.
But he’s not judging you right now, and you shouldn’t judge yourself, because He loves you unconditionally. So if you relapsed, just don’t do it again that day. All right.
So I am doing NoFap, but I tried masturbating in the bathroom at 4am. It was so random, and I was like what am I doing? Why am I trying so hard to do this? It was lame – and I don’t even know if I went all the way. I just stopped doing it and went back to bed.
Today, I could have felt a lot of guilt and a lot of shame. I could say, well, let’s just keep doing it because you already blew it. You know I went almost a month without doing it – I don’t even know if I did it.
You know, I’ve been talking to Jesus so much about removing that demon of perversion, demons have lost, it’s working because it wasn’t even that good. I mean, I couldn’t even do it, like physically I couldn’t even do it so I’m like we’ll go back to that. You’re fine.
So today, I’m being easy on myself and I’m loving myself, and I’m forgiving myself, because that’s what Jesus would do.
If he wanted to do what Satan would do, he would say you know you’re a piece of crap; You just failed, you blew it. You should keep going because you’re not going to do anything with your life. That’s what the enemy wants you to think.
So stop the relapse on day one, don’t keep going because it’ll get deeper and deeper, and the guilt and the shame will come back. But if you stop it, nip it in the bud, after the first day of relapsing, get back on your horse.
Keep praying and say thank you Jesus for saving me. I want to be yours completely. Please forgive me for slipping up.
It’s the sanctification process that takes time, it could take years, you know, if I look back, 12 years ago I was getting drunk twice a day. I was watching porn. I was masturbating three times a day. I was smoking cigarettes and eating sugar.
I was doing whatever I wanted, I was listening to heavy metal 12 years ago. Now, none of that stuff is in my life, with a couple little slip ups here and there. I’m a totally different person.
So trust that God has you, trust the sanctification process, that every single year you’re getting a little bit cleaner, a little bit more sober, a little more healthy. It’s a process guys, I’ve been doing that stupid stuff for 35 years.
So, don’t be so hard on yourself. If you relapse, just brush yourself off and don’t do it again that night, or any other night, just get rid of that guilt and shame, repent, and repent doesn’t mean kick yourself in the butt, or whip yourself. Repent means change your course – it’s to say, God, thank you so much for still loving me. I made a mistake, please forgive me.
I love you so much. I want you inside of my heart more and more each day. Thank you for revealing your wisdom and your discernment between right and wrong.
Thank you for making me a better Christian every single day. Please forgive me, father. That was a mistake. I want you more than I want my addiction. Amen.
That’s it guys, and then get back on with your life. If you’re withdrawing from drugs, or if you need medical attention seek help, don’t try to just cut things cold turkey, if you’re really deep in your addictions, find a treatment center where they can get off safely.
I stopped drinking cold turkey, almost cold turkey, I could have died, my last day of drinking I had two beers. Those two beers could have saved me because I was getting drunk twice a day, and I was having DT’s, shaking. I think those two beers existed on the last day to get me off of alcohol safely.
So guys, I am way better today than I was 10 years ago, and I know you are. I know you are growing into the Lord as well. Just be patient with yourself, ask for guidance, get alone with Jesus, change the room in your house for a little shrine and go up there at night alone.
Get away from your kids and your spouse, and get a cross, get a picture of Jesus, light some candles, and just be alone with Jesus, meditate. Just listen. You don’t have to speak the whole time, just listen. See if he has anything to say, ask for guidance.
So if you want to get closer to Jesus say the prayer under this video. Thanks for watching, I wasn’t going to do the video. The devil was going to have me just sulk and be depressed today because I’m not perfect.
He was going to bring me down because I slipped up, but I’m way better than I’ve ever been. So love yourself and forgive yourself,because unforgiveness and bitterness is what the devil wants you to stay in – and I’ve been very bitter and unforgiving, not only to others but to myself. I’m very hard on myself.
Most addicts hate themselves. Okay. And it’s so deep in there, they don’t even know it. You know, decades of abuse, physical abuse on yourself, can lead you to really subconsciously hate yourself.
So start unwrapping that and allow Jesus back into your heart. Because he loves you, you love yourself, deep down, deep, deep down, you’re doing okay, that’s all it matters, you’re still alive. Thank God you’re still alive. I love you guys. God bless you guys.
Erik C Johnson